What about a "Jokes" thread? - I will start.

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Don't mess with the elderly !

 
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Wakefield, UK
If someone's fart makes it through two layers of cloth, including heavyweight jeans, to reach your snout how confident are you feeling in that facemask?
 
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The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the dog".
 
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This coronavirus is the strangest virus I've ever heard of. It's very dangerous the way it spreads.

It is so mysterious the way it lurks in schools, but then dies at Home Bargains.

It can wreak havoc in pubs and restaurants! Although it’s mind-boggling how it vanishes at the beach or in the park. Yet, standing to watch a marathon or at a gig or festival triggers its wrath.

It is sneaky. It can spread when buying clothes at Primark but not at Tesco's or Asda.

It is non-alcoholic. It can't spread when you are buying beer.

It lives for 24 hours on Amazon boxes, you must wait 24 hours to touch them but it can't survive on takeaway coffee cups, so enjoying a hot latte is safe.

It is the most curious thing, how it lives on footballs, tennis rackets and ballet bars, but dies on shopping trolleys and food.

It is spread by hair stylists, dog groomers, and dentists, but not by bank machines, cashiers, and fast food workers.

It's so smart. It won’t bother the first 6 people that get together but it knows when the 7th person shows up so be careful if that’s you.

It even knows what you want vs what you need. If you want a massage or your nails done it is very actively on the prowl and not even a mask can stop it. If you need a plumber, it is weak, and a mask will keep it away.

It also seems to be most dangerous after 5:30pm so businesses must start to close before the virus comes out and wreaks havoc upon the populations.

Whoever heard of such a smart sneaky virus?!?
 
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***
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Sh*t."
***
 
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Dear Tech Support,
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and overnight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or house-cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!
Sincerely,
XXX

Dear XXX,
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.
Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0.
However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.
I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command "C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF's, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations.
Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create fatal files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPF's, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend hotfoot 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
Customer Relations Representative
 
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Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.

If that’s going to be a problem, for us, you’d better say so now!”

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

“Oh wow! I see,” Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, “You know, it’s probably just because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”
 
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Nottinghamshire England
A pal of mine just had some decorating done at his home.
Turns out the chap was a 'furloughed' airline pilot - doing a few jobs for cash.
Apparently, he made a lovely job of the landing ...
 
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Nottinghamshire England
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning, and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.
 
Joined
Apr 15, 2013
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Washington state
Mask Etiquette. It finally happened to me today, I knew it would eventually, but I was ready. I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet distance to everyone, pushed my cart to my car, all while wearing my mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal. Cause that mask ain't gonna do anything for you except make you look stupid ." In anticipation of this happening, because I figured it might someday, I already had a response ready. I said "Look, I woke up with a temperature of 102 this morning (I didn't) plus I work around hundreds of people in close quarters (I don’t) so this is for your protection, not mine. How about I take it off and we hug like old friends?" I stepped toward her and acted as if I was taking off my mask. She stepped back away from me and went across to the next row of cars. I followed her, she kept walking away, I chased her, she ran... She fell down. I grabbed her foot. I pulled on her leg, just as I’m pulling yours.
 
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Winnipeg, Manitoba
So the wife and I bought a dog that had been raised by a blacksmith who was older and felt he couldn,t care for the animal properly any more. Anyway as soon as we brought him home he made a bolt for the door!
 
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Sep 12, 2012
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Apple Valley, California, USA
Just want to thank you Danny for starting this thread. And to all who have contributed.

I have a friend in our RV group that has just been diagnosed with the virus. They are starting Remdesivir treatment as of yesterday.
I have passed on many of the jokes and humor found here, to my friend who is in isolation.
It must be stressful being in that situation, not knowing the outcome.

This thread has been my go-to source, which has helped me to make his day a bit brighter.
Please keep the jokes and humorous videos coming.

You have my heartfelt thanks.

Ed
 
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Nottinghamshire England
Italian Mother
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the evening, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.




While watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama

Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you Mama
 
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Feb 7, 2008
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Nottinghamshire England
A man walked into the pub next to the hospital.

He said, “I shouldn’t be here with what I’ve got. Give me a double Scotch.”

He downed the scotch and the barman said, ”So, what have you got then?”

“ Eleven pence” …..🤣
 
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