What about a "Jokes" thread? - I will start.

Joined
May 31, 2013
Messages
2,655
Location
South Benfleet, Essex, England, UK
I tried donating blood today.
Never again !
To many stupid questions ?
Who's blood is it ?
Where did you get it from ?
Why is it in a bucket ?
Yeah... picky, picky, picky. It was offered for free. What's the problem?
 
Joined
Feb 5, 2008
Messages
447
Location
Elma, WA
Website
miscdotgeek.com
Did you hear about the farmer who had 99 cows? He rounded them up and had 100.

Of course, you know how he added them? A cow-culator.

This was no easy task, still. His tractor was broken and his horse was sick, so he had to hoof it.

Of course, he only got into the cow business because he wanted to be like his friends. They switched from making wine to making dairy products. They pulled out the grapevines and planted bovines.
 
Joined
Feb 7, 2008
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2,512
Location
Nottinghamshire England
 
Joined
Sep 12, 2012
Messages
2,800
Location
Apple Valley, California, USA
'Its' a lie I tell you, :eek: That cannot be true. its not, its not, its not 😢...........................................................................................................................................................BEEP BEEP .....Just joking !
 
Joined
May 31, 2013
Messages
2,655
Location
South Benfleet, Essex, England, UK
TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

Son of a b%ch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a btch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
Joined
Feb 7, 2008
Messages
2,512
Location
Nottinghamshire England
 
Joined
Feb 7, 2008
Messages
2,512
Location
Nottinghamshire England
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.

"There are two things you need in order to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear."

Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked his finger.

"Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus but licked my index finger?"
 
Joined
Feb 7, 2008
Messages
2,512
Location
Nottinghamshire England
 
Joined
Feb 7, 2008
Messages
2,512
Location
Nottinghamshire England
"Why do you have a black eye?"
"I said you to my wife."
"Huh?"
"Well she said 'We haven't had sex in two months.' and I answered 'you'.
 
Joined
Sep 12, 2012
Messages
2,800
Location
Apple Valley, California, USA
My wife likes putting together jigsaw puzzles.
It has helped pass the time during this COVID-19 time.

She remarked to me that she finished a puzzle in just six months.
I said that sounds like a long time.
She said, not really, the box said 4 - 6 years
 
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