What about a "Jokes" thread? - I will start.

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Why not have a jokes thread? Let's try and keep it clean, non-racist and not too prurient because we have ladies and other folk of a gentle disposition here on AZ.

I will start with a medical/Cycling related joke that's not at all vulgar (IMHO).

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The priest asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The priest rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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I replaced all uses of the word "scrotum" with "sternum" and it didn't seem funny at all.
Strange that, I do believe that it is indeed how a joke of this particular type works/or not.
 
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OK, let's try an old one today.

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The builder and the Barrel of bricks.
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Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in section 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
 
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Bob and Marsha Hill were on a real vacation for the first time in their lives. Having raised children, worked hard, and recently retired, it was time for them to do something for themselves at last: The Big European Vacation they had always dreamed of. After being in Europe for a few weeks, they tired of all the guided tours of large famous places, they decided that it was time to take a self guided tour of the countryside of an obscure East European country.

Arriving at their train terminal, they found a car rental to begin their tour. The car was a little bit older: Smaller, less powerful, and everything a bit more manual than they were used to. No bother, that's what vacations were about- new experiences! They loaded their luggage in the car, went to the hotel for the night, and asked the locals where they should explore that most tourists never see, and got some wonderful advice. Armed with some basic directions and a semi-functional GPS, they drove off into the fresh morning.

The fresh morning turned into a dark afternoon as they ventured farther into a mountainous area. The GPS quit, and before long they found themselves at the top of a large mountain on a small road and in a violent storm. The engine in their little car started running a bit rough, and had almost overheated on the way up. The decision was made: They were at the summit and would continue on, and stop at the first Inn they could find and turn in for the night.

Unfortunately, it was not to be. Two thirds the way down the mountain, the little engine died. Left without power steering or brakes, the unreliable little vehicle became a deathtrap. Their speed increased as the vehicle became less and less controllable. Much to their horror, they missed a turn and smashed into the guardrail which arrested their progress only slightly. Down the steep ravine they went, the little car being smashed into little bits.

Bob woke up to the rain pelting his face. He was battered, bruised, and suffered from at least a few broken ribs. But his concern was not himself. Marsha was in very bad shape. Without immediate attention she would not survive the ordeal. The sun had set, and in the distance Bob could see lights. He hefted his wife out of the vehicle and began to carry her toward the lights. He stumbled several times, nearly dropping his wife and when he finally arrived at a large set of doors belonging to a huge estate, he nearly had to drag her up the steps, so bad was his own condition.

He found the large knocker, and gave it a desperate lift. It fell on the door, and Bob also fell, but to the ground. A well dressed man opened the door, and Bob used the last bit of his energy to explain: "I'm Bob Hill and this is my wife Marsha. We are tourists from America and we were in a terrible accident... Please... Help.... Us...."

Bob passed out. "Master! Master!" cried the doorman. Bob and Marsha Hill had happened upon the home of a local doctor, famous for having never lost a patient! On such a night as this, a hospital ride take would too long and be too dangerous in the worsening storm. The Doctor knew that their only hope lay in he himself.The Master of the house started barking orders, and the doorman faithfully complied. Tables were cleared, the patients were laid out. The Doctor went to work. But it was too late. Marsha Hill expired at 11:23pm, and Bob Hill at 11:34. Despite the Doctors best efforts, he'd lost the first two patients of his entire career at the same time.

"Distraught" could barely describe the Doctor. The doorman offered to take over- the Doctor could go have a rest. And so it was. The other servants gazed as the Doctor ascended to the music room. Built into the house during its construction in the 1840's was a large pipe organ- always serviced and working, but rarely played. But on this sorrowful occasion, it was the only thing that could soothe the Doctor's aching heart.

The Doctor began to play a mournful song. The house reverberated in its verse, and even the most stoic of the household shed a tear. The doorman continued his cleanup, when out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw movement. As the music echoed louder, the movement became greater. The Doctor played his song with more and more emotion, and finally a large crescendo was reaching its highest point. Legs were moving. Hands grasped at nothing. As the 150+ year old pipe organ brought the house to life, it also had an effect on the two patients! At the peak of the crescendo, the whole house shook, and Bob and Marsha both sat up! Their lifeless faces became flush and they smiled and hugged each other!

Of course the doorman was now beside himself, elated at these recent events. He ran with all his might up the stairs toward the back of the house. He burst into the music room, and at the top of his lungs yelled:











"Master, Master! The Hills are alive, with the sound of MUSIC!"
 
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Radical Brad

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On a recent trek, Jack and Jill have just climbed one of the steepest longest hills on their DIY tandem trike.

"Phew, that was a tough climb," said Jill, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."

"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jack, "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"
 
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
 
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But the very best laughs come from things like this....
 

Radical Brad

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An old upright cyclist with bad knees comes to his doctor and says,
“Doctor, you know how you told me I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as possible?”

“Yes,” nods the doctor, “we agreed on that after the latest X-rays.”

“Well I don’t know if it was such a great recommendation.
All the climbing up and down the rain gutter is really exhausting!”
 
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Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
 
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An English teacher asks Little Johnny: “Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’”
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Little Johnny: “Errors in the dark usually make children."
 
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Found this one in a Foster Brooks video yesterday, shortened a little:

A preacher had lost his bicycle, thought stolen, couldn't find it anywhere. He asked one of his parishioners for advice on how to find the thief. A parishioner suggested, "Make the sermon on Sunday about the Ten Commandments. When you get to #8, Thou shalt not steal, really hammer it home to the congregation, look at them all and see if you can spot a guilty reaction." The preacher thought it a good idea, and prepared his sermon for the next service.

He ran through all the Commandments but didn't apply any emphasis to #8. The parishioner asked him later, "Why did you not give any emphasis to Thou shalt not steal?" The Preacher answered with, "I had every intention of doing so but, when I got to #7, Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle."
 
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Tom texted his neighbor Bob and said " Bob, I really feel BAD! I have been tapping your wife while you are away on business trips. It's been going on for almost two years and my conscience is bugging me. I felt you should know."
Bob goes into a fit of rage and immediately strangles his wife to death.
A moment later Bob gets another text from Tom..."Damned auto-correct, I meant Wi-Fi! LOL"
 
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Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!!
 
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Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
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Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”
 
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I don't know any clean jokes ?

Maybe this is ok ?

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door wearing a see through negligee, asking to borrow a cup of sugar then winked at me and asked me round for coffee...!


I said "I can't, I have to go to work Dave...."
 
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